I am at war with myself. Stuck in this weird place I can’t explain or crawl out of. Its like this constant conflict between “What am I even doing here?” and “What am I meant to accomplish here?” and somewhere in the messy middle, I’m lost as hell.
There’s this feeling in my bones like, deep down…I know I’m meant for something bigger. My calling is something else. And this? This isn’t it. But then the big, haunting question slaps me in the face: How on earth do you even know what “IT” is? When do you reach that point where everything clicks and makes sense? And then I spiral even further into darkness: What’s the point of it all anyway? We’re all gonna die soon. If not today, maybe tomorrow or next week or in 50 years. So why bust your ass and struggle to achieve anything…… for what end?
Sooooo, I believe this is what you call an existential crisis huh!? Clearly I’m loosing my shit.
Remember being a kid? The world felt so much easier back then. Everyone was so desperate to grow up because being an adult meant freedom. You could do what you wanted, tell other people what to do, and not have to listen to anyone. Then boom…you grow up, and suddenly it’s all responsibilities, awareness, and these massive, unanswerable questions about life. And it’s like you get crippled in life. You realize you’re mortal, life is temporary, and the chaos of just existing is too much. It then becomes harder and harder to function normally. Now what!? How do you keep going on?
People always say, “Don’t go to extremes.” In this case one path is where you don’t care about the consequences and live a dangerously chaotic “I don’t give af about anything” life. Or a more control freak life where you micromanage every single thing. A controlled environment where everything only works how you have planned it to be. How do you find the middle ground? Do you have to live and explore these two extremes first, or you just talk to yourself and tell yourself to get a grip and chill somewhere in the middle?
Honestly, I’m having a full-blown crisis right now. My brain is spitting out questions after questions and guess what? Still no answers. Well, this is unfiltered loud thoughts. Never said there will be solutions here. So welcome to the inside of my brain on a normal Thursday morning fueled by some very soothing ginger milk tea.
Eventually I will stop only when my brain burns itself out and I start feeling drained, then I’ll just switch to doom scrolling. Because let’s be real, nothing numbs existential chaos better than endless, mindless scrolling.
And before you start wondering “Doesn’t this person have a job? Or a family? Or responsibilities?” Well fun fact, I’m on leave from work this week. And instead of actually enjoying my time off, here I am questioning the meaning of life and wasting my leave days. And yeah, I hate saying it, but work does get your mind off this meaninglessness. I rly need therapy. lol.
Apologies that I don’t have a conclusion for you here. Just know that if this mind fuckery hits home with you, you’re not alone. . There’s a whole bunch of us out here equally useless, wondering about life’s meaning instead of just living it. So, high five, yo! Here’s to being exemplary useful beings!
